I love black thongs
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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