Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
