I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
