worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
