That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
