you didnt know i had herpes?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
