I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
