i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
