sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
