Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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