So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
