you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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