I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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