I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
