dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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