the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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