life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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