I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
