she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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