You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
