You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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