you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
