If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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