The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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