Where is the hickey?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize