Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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