Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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