Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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