the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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