Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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