Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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