I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
