When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
