dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
