is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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