The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
