the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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