Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
