If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I want is dick and wine.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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