I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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