he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
