We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
