Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
