She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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