Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
