There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
