Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
