so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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