you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
