You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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