i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
