I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
