Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize