Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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