I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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