there's paper in my vomit.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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