we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
lets start a swedish sibling band together
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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